Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
