I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
