Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize