I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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