shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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