i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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