You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
