I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
