Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize