3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She's the barista slut.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
