Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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