Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
