Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
