I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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