the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
