Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize