I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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