He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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