i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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