I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
