Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
