How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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