My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
