I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
