yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
