I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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