Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
