you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
