...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
