I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize