I heard we made out
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
