I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
