I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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