I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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