dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
