I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
