My sheets look like a crime scene.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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