it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
