Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
