I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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