She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
