I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize