i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
