you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Randomize
