so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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