Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
