The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize