We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
