just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize