Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
