I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
