I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
