He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
