There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
