Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Fuck appropriateness.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
