the condom got lost in my hair
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
