dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so let's talk penis.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize