I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
