Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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