Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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