please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize