All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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