I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
