I'm really into asian looking animals
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
